Everyone encourages us to exercise, whether it’s doctors, many different scientists, or just your friends and family. Exercising releases endorphins which help to reduce stress and improve overall mental well-being. The physiological process behind it is fascinating, and I would encourage you to read up on it, but that is not what my blog is about. I want to share a problematic contrast – what if the very thing that is said to reduce your stress, actually triggers it?
When it all began …
This is a very personal story that I would like to share in the hopes of helping someone else who battles with running (or any sport) stress or anxiety. To do this, I need to start at the beginning of my experience, at seven years of age. In South Africa, my home country, at the age of seven you start grade one. As with any school, there are multiple opportunities for extracurricular activities. I chose to participate in cross-country running. I will admit, I was quite good at it, always placing in the top three positions. For the first year, it was enjoyable and something to look forward to. After a year, the performance pressure became too much, and I started to get very anxious and stressed about the races. To go into some more detail – our races were on Friday afternoons after school, around 1 pm. In the beginning, there was the normal race anticipation, but as I mentioned, it became much darker. Between grade two and grade four, all I can remember about my cross-country races was the amount of anxiety attacks and the lack of sleep that I had. It started on the Wednesday before the race, on the Thursday I would have to have one of my parents in my room with me just so I could fall asleep. And well, Fridays at school were a combination of blackouts and crying. I still did quite well with each race, regardless of my anxiety, but I no longer enjoyed my sport.
Diagnosis
So, this is my question: what do you do when the very thing that should reduce stress, causes it? The answer is not as simple as you would hope, unfortunately. My parents sent me to the doctor in sixth grade, and I was diagnosed with chronic stress. That is quite a tough thing for a twelve-year-old girl to comprehend. Firstly, I had no idea what that meant; secondly, I thought it would be with me for the rest of my life; and thirdly, I thought the medication would cure me.
Comeback attempt
A decade later, after stopping my favorite sport for my mental health, I met my current boyfriend – who is a marathon runner – and attempted to start running again. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t aware of how traumatised I was by my running experience in primary school. I had to go to therapy, was diagnosed with PTSD, and had to try to find my love for the sport again, without the performance pressure. For me, it wasn’t just as easy as putting on my running shoes and just doing it, as some people would say. I had many attempts that ended in tears and self-loathing. I started comparing myself to other runners – famous runners, my friends, my boyfriend. I felt weak and ashamed – I mean, who gets anxious about running?
My little tips
I decided that I didn’t want to feel this way for the rest of my life, I needed to do something about it. This is where I currently am. I am re-learning how to run. It’s difficult to share, but performance anxiety is completely normal. I’m making progress, albeit very slowly. A couple of things that I do to help with my anxiety, are some of the cliché tips (but I promise, it works):– I take it one day at a time. If I don’t feel like running today, I’m not going to, because I know that mentally I won’t be able to cope with a disappointing run.– I blocked influencers from my social media. This might sound drastic, but for my well-being, I had to remove the idea of “perfect athletes”. It doesn’t exist.– I change it up quite often. Sometimes I do long, slow runs and other times I do slightly faster, short runs.– I listen to music or focus on nature to help distract me when I feel anxious during a run.– I run by myself. I found that running with other people increased my stress, so I have decided that running would be my sport.These are some of the tips that I would like to share with you. Maybe one of these can help you.
Too much pressure
One of the last things I want to mention is the shame often placed on people who do not exercise. In our day and age, people are quick to judge someone if they do not exercise. I can understand why – as we’ve been told, exercise is good for you. I don’t disagree with that statement, but what I don’t agree with is placing pressure on yourself, or someone else, to exercise. For me, it was running, for someone else, it could be swimming or kickboxing. I plead with you, please do not look at someone who does not exercise and think they aren’t trying. I am a prime example – for a very long time I tried to run, but I was just too damaged. Everyone has their own stories; everyone has their individual timelines. We place too much pressure on ourselves to perform as others are. I am learning to love running, to love myself for what I am capable of doing, and to appreciate my achievements. I am running from anxiety.
In summary, this is my story, a girl from Cape Town, South Africa. Wherever you are reading this from, and whatever sports challenge you are facing, you are certainly not alone; and there is some peace in that.